2010....reeling from the biggest marriage mistake of my life, my skin cancer came back, as well as the fact my company re-organized and thus changed my position in a way that drastically cut my income. I took another position with another company, only to be used and kicked to the curb a week before Christmas telling me that I wasn’t selling enough “based on my skill set." At the closeout of 2010 I felt the lowest I’ve felt in a decade....realizing all of the poor decisions I made had truly put me into a place that I wish I wasn’t, alone.
Alone has been the theme of my life. I was the only child, of an only child, of an only child. Neither my mother or I knew who our father was, so my parental influences were limited to begin with. I was three years old when my mother died, and fortunately foster care led me to a family to raise me. I went to them with scars, seen and unseen. I don’t know why I reacted to things the way I did, or why I pushed away from them; but I have a feeling it has to do with those oh so important first 5 years of my life that transpired before I joined them. How could those torturous formative years NOT have affected me?
The happiest time of my life was becoming “Mom” to my three sons. I finally had that mother-child bond that I had sought for most of my life. I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom when they were little. Three children in 3 ½ years? Sure, at least they will all be in the same stages together was always my response. Little did I know what was to come. Having to learn to clone myself to be at 3 baseball games at once, no problem. Supporting them as a single mother from the time my oldest was 5, not always easy but I have had blessings that have certainly made it easier. Feeding three constantly eating growing boys who are now all 6’ tall or taller, a piece of cake compared to the stage I am in now--All three are growing up and my nest is oh so quickly becoming empty.
In 2010 I had to be the giver of the toughest love to my oldest child...Years of tears, pleading and patience was getting him no where. He has to want to go somewhere in his life, on his own. With him being close to 20 years old, it was time to either “shape up or ship out.” He shipped out. I pray every day that he finds his way in this world. Couple that with my youngest child, a child of genius IQ, was given the opportunity to go to one of the top public high schools in the country that just happens to be close to 4 hours away. Friends asked how I could let him go at such a young age....The feeling in my heart was how could I not. He’s in his element. He is excelling, leading, happy, thriving. I miss him so but know it was right for him to go. And that leaves my middle child at home, for the first time in his life, alone with Mom. I was so looking forward to it! He thought it was going to be “weird.” What I forgot was that he’s a senior in high school...with lots of friends, a lovely girlfriend, and his life certainly does not revolve around hanging out with his mother, and nor should it.
Now that my three children are moving on into their own adult lives, it forces me to look more closely at my own. Having lots of time to reflect, I hope, will allow me to truly see what I have done that has brought me to this point in my life: where my daily conversation is more with my dogs that with humans, where I have as many ex husbands as children, where financially I still need to “get on top of things." I certainly hope that at almost 42, I can myself turn things around, for me and my life. Some people turn to music, art, exercise, or drugs and alcohol when working through emotions. I have always turned to writing. This is going to be a process that will at times be very raw and perhaps painful. You are welcome to reflect with me and share, if you’d like. If not, I truly and wholeheartedly understand.
